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Thursday, December 3, 2015

5 Ways to Justify Scrooge-ness in a Christmas Elf World

   'Tis the season! Everyone's writing blogposts about how to deal with the delightful crazyness of the holiday season. But does anyone else think, why? Why me? Why do I even have to participate in this draining hub-bub of tinny holiday ditties, over-priced gift-giving, and purely useless light stringing?
      If so, you may be a Christmas Scrooge.

     And this is a very hard month to be a Scrooge. "Bah Humbug" isn't even politically correct anymore. And all your Christmas Elf friends are shouting in your ears about what a wonderful season this is.
    But take courage, here's a guest blogpost from the Christmas Scrooge with 5 easy ways to justify your Scrooge-ness to Christmas Elf friends and still come out looking like a good person.

Scenario 1: Baking

           Eating gingerbread, chocolate chip cookies, and sour cream drops--delicious. Devoting hours to baking them?--Bah Humbug. The very thought exhausts you.
         But then comes your Christmas Elf friend. "What, you haven't filled the house with scents of cinnamon? Where's that gingerbread house you made with your child? Baking sugar cookies and letting your child scatter sprinkles across the kitchen? Are you trying to ruin your kids' childhood? Are those store-bought cookies on your counter?" Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. The Scrooge's lot-in-life. But no longer. Here's the perfect way to justify your Scrooge-ish-ness.

A Scrooge's Go-To Explanation: Did you know that compared to fifty years ago, Americans are hugely more obese. I'm focusing on my child's long-term heart health by refusing to encourage emotional eating by participating in a family ritual of baking vastly unhealthy treats. But we did fry an egg together this morning. :)

Christmas Elf friend = duly impressed.

Scenario 2: Christmas Gifts

Buying, wrapping, giving gifts, hour after exhausting hour? Scrooges hate that. And half the time, the gifts aren't even anything you or anyone else likes.

But then your Christmas Elf friend dials your number. "What are you buying your kids for Christmas? What about great aunt Mildred? I'm sure you've mulled hours over picking something especially thoughtful, right?"

A Scrooge's Go-To Explanation: Did you know that in the 1950s, as many as eight people would grow up in an 800 square foot house. This year, instead of exchanging gifts, we've decided to focus on the minimalist lifestyle and clean out our garage instead. We are so thrilled about how in touch with nature this minimalist lifestyle has made us.

Christmas Elf friend = duly impressed.

Scenario 3: Christmas Decorations

        Yikes! Nothing throws a Scrooge into more terror. Just the sheer work of it! Checking bulbs, finding extension cords, getting out the ladder, hanging lights. And there are so many lights. Christmas tree lights, front light, yard lights, garage lights, hours and hours of prep-work.

      But then Christmas Elf  HOA leader knocks on your door. "Where are your lights? We want the whole neighborhood to shine. You will decorate your mailbox too, right? And Christmas wreaths."

A Scrooge's Go-To Explanation: I'm very concerned about America's high energy consumption that has led to our reliance on foreign oil. Do you how many dangerous terrorist groups the money from foreign oil finances? Our of respect for our brave service members, I have decided to reduce our household energy consumption by not stringing lights this year.

Christmas Elf friend = duly impressed.

Scenario 4: Annoying TV specials like "Rudolph" and "Charlie Brown Christmas"

         They're the same movies. EVERY YEAR. And they weren't even funny the first time. You, being a Scrooge, would rather watch a leaky water-pipe drip onto tile.

    But Christmas Elf friend stops by. "Don't you just love all the beautiful Christmas shows on TV. Come over and watch the five-thousandth re-run of The Grinch with me. Your children need this classic childhood experience."

A Scrooge's Go-To Explanation: I recently read that increases in TV consumption have led to a rise in ADHD in not only children, but also adults. We are endeavoring to decrease our media time, so will be refraining from watching those Christmas specials this year. Let's go take an invigorating hike up a mountain instead. (Hope Christmas Elf friend isn't too athletic, so doesn't take you up on the mountain hike and you will be free to binge-watch interesting Netflix shows.)

Christmas Elf friend = duly impressed.

Scenario 5: Family visits, that Drag on

You like your family, you really do. But in manageable doses please. And Aunt Mildred's told that story about the making of the generation-old ham recipe a dozen times this December anyway.

Christmas Elf family member. "But you have to stay until midnight with us! And be back at 6 am tomorrow for Christmas brunch. We're family."

A Scrooge's Go-To Explanation: I am starting my New Year's resolution early this year and am endeavoring to get more exercise and more rest. So as much as I'd love to stay until midnight, I need to go to bed. And then I'll need to hit the gym tomorrow.

Christmas Elf friend = duly impressed.

Are you a Christmas Scrooge? Need more tips to deal with Elf-y friends? Leave your situation in the comments below, and I'll reply with useful tips on justifying Scrooge-ness on all occasions.

~The Christmas Scrooge

Disclaimer: Any similarities to Anne Garboczi Evans' personal Christmases past or present are merely coincidental. ;P Probably . . .